So I know a lot of you saw my recent facebook post regarding my failure to get into the fire department. This came directly on the heels of Nic making the decision to not see me anymore. As I said on facebook: when it rains, it pours. It was pretty much a kick when I was already down. I couldn’t imagine what else could happen to make it worse! I really felt like everything in the last 9 months had just been blown to pieces. He had been around since the beginning. He was there when I first went to take the written test in January, and even left for camp late just so he could wait around until I was done with my physical test in June. It was a hard fact to deal with, the connection was all I could think about as I drove home from work. Well anyways, onto the next bit of this update:
The information regarding the recruitment process came from a friend of mine who is a firefighter. He told me he received an e-mail the week before DNC that said they had hired the 32 candidates and the class would start on September 17th. I was devastated. I had to leave my work early to go home and re-evaluate my entire life. Everything had been turned upside down – no longer with the guy I cared so much about and had brought into my life, and now without any sort of career progress. I have been turned down for jobs before, but nothing like this. Nothing that could change the course of my life. Nothing that I had ever worked harder for. When I posted that facebook post, I had an overwhelming amount of phone calls from friends and family members. Out of pity? Maybe. They all knew what had just happened on Thursday and they all knew how important this job would be to me. Most of them had really amazing, uplifting options for me. My sister has offered to give me a place to stay in DC for a bit if I want to search for a job there, I could try and get a job in Chicago for the same company I’m with now (in the hopes it would be more challenging, and the benefit that I’d be in Chicago). I could go work for the military and fly a helicopter, or move to Alaska with Ashley and start a small internet cafe in Girdwood. I could also work for the National Parks Service as a ranger and do rescue, or even apply for a firefighting position in another local town. At this point, there is nothing holding me to Charlotte. It hasn’t really proved successful for me in any facet of my life (except roller derby).
So the night I got that message about not getting in, my mom had e-mailed a friend of hers, whose husband is involved with the fire department. He said he got an e-mail from the department, but it was only in regards to 16 candidates who had been accepted, not 32 like I was originally told. Okay, so that was sounding promising, but who do I believe? I decided to call the office the next day. What better way to get the truth than from the source. I had to leave a message (of course). So I waited for two days and called the office back this morning. This whole time I had a small sliver of hope that maybe they hadn’t finished hiring since I hadn’t heard anything specifically from the office. So I called today, and the girl was out of the office again. But I was told to call back in 30 minutes so I did that. I finally got in touch with the person I needed to speak to, and she claims she never got my first message. She said that yes, they had hired for the September 17th class, but that there is a chance they will have a second class starting (as I had been told in the past) on October 22nd. She didn’t say it was a definite, but she said that if I didn’t hear anything from them by the beginning of October I should call back. What I really want is for them to let me know either way. I don’t care if it’s an e-mail or a letter in the mail, just something to let me know. Okay, so now it’s the waiting game again. I am going to try and keep working towards looking for another job option, but a little bit of my hope has returned.
If you know anything about me, I have struggled with an anxiety disorder my whole life, though it was just recently diagnosed. While most people sit around, eat and cry when they’ve been dumped or lost their chance at a job, the exact opposite tends to happen to me. My heart starts to hurt when I am confronted about that subject (or person). I go numb and I can’t eat whole meals for weeks, sometimes months. It’s not a body image issue, my anxiety just seems to cause a build up of gas in my stomach and I can’t seem to find a spot for real food. What is most frustrating about that issue is that I can’t workout. I can’t be distracted by ultimate frisbee, soccer, or even running. I tried to play ultimate on Sun and just had a lot of trouble with energy levels. Obviously, it’s hard to do anything active when your body has nothing to burn. Thankfully all my friends have been supportive and spending a lot of time with me for distractions. I am always a little better when I’m distracted. It is a difficult thing to deal with, and I have been on medication in the past but the side effects weren’t what I had wanted. Obviously I don’t want to have to deal with those again, so I am relying on my past experiences to help me realize what a better place I’m in today. I love my friends, and I don’t know what I’d do without them.